I Drew This Last Week

Soon

One of these days, soon, I am going to leave it all behind, let it go and look forward. One of these days, soon, I am going to love the great wide open with wreckless abandon. One of these days, soon, I am not going to be afraid anymore.

I am the woman in the photograph. My body is strong, my spirit is wild, and not even the thundering Pacific Ocean is strong enough to drown me.

One of these days, soon, before my will tires out, before I die of thirst, I can hang on long enough, and I will find the shore.

torrent

torrents
of missing you
what it meant to be
here when you were here too

sometimes
I get lost in
torrents of black water
sucking swirling forever basin

it took me
a long time to
surface, once in a while
I still almost drown

almost drown
almost drown
almost drown
almost drown
almost drown
almost drown
almost drown
almost drown

deep, cut, chasm
divide, vast, carry me

sweeping all the dirt
out from under my feet

help me
help me
help me
help me
help me
help me
help me
help me

heart
beat
submerge

help me
breathe

"Mockingbirds" by Mary Oliver

This morning
two mockingbirds
in the green field
were spinning and tossing

the white ribbons
of their songs
into the air.
I had nothing

better to do
than listen.
I mean this
seriously.

In Greece,
a long time ago,
an old couple
opened their door

to two strangers
who were,
it soon appeared,
not men at all,

but gods.
It is my favorite story -
how the old couple
had almost nothing to give

but their willingness
to be attentive -
but for this alone
the gods loved them

and blessed them -
when they rose
out of their mortal bodies,
like a million particles of water

from a fountain,
the light
swept into all the corners
of the cottage,

and the old couple,
shaken with understanding,
bowed down -
but still they asked for nothing

but the difficult life
which they had already.
And the gods smiled, as they vanished,
clapping their great wings.

Wherever it was
I was supposed to be
this morning -
whatever it was I said

I would be doing -
I was standing
at the edge of the field -
I was hurrying

through my own soul,
opening its dark doors -
I was leaning out;
I was listening.

The Gift of Poverty in the Modern World

I will no longer harbor envy and resentment toward people who were born into a higher socioeconomic stratus that I was born into.

They cannot change their history in the same way that I cannot change mine.

I have to work harder, and that is all there is to it.

A lot of the world's best people had to work harder than everyone else.

If anything, my poverty is a gift.

It has taught me hunger and compassion.

Hunger and compassion are two of the greatest qualities that any person can possess. They are also qualities that cannot be purchased. Hunger and compassion can only be earned by fighting to survive, and winning.

Hunger and compassion can only be attained by stumbling through the blackest night, and surviving it long enough to see the new dawn.

If I were the type of person who prayed, I would pray that I always remain hungry, and that my compassion only deepens with each passing day, cutting through me like the colorado river, changing the landscape of my heart to make room for the torrent of summer monsoon rain.

Independence

This is me trying to take my own picture, and squinting hard in the sun. I think I am sort of gorgeous in the picture, even though it captures every crease, dimple, and wrinkle that can possibly exist on my face at any given moment.

I like how focused I look. I like the color of my hair - it's natural color because it is the same, exact color of my Dad's hair when he was my age.

Little story about why I was doing this:

I was at "Blow Hole" in Maui with my family. It is rocky and the pacific water at the location is the most heavenly color blue that I have ever seen. I got bored and looked for another vantage point.

Far away from the other tourists, I saw what appeared to be a sharp drop, and beyond it, a perfectly framed shot of the ocean crashing into the volcanic rocks below.

I walked over, only to discover that, if I just climbed down about 6 feet, there was a perfect backdrop for a self portrait. So, climb I did. On the edge of a cliff. 30 feet above the rocky shoals of the Hawaiian seascape.

I did this because I have a new love, and I want him to think that I am beautiful. What better way to accomplish this goal, than to show him a picture of me with this crazy, heady, gorgeous, crushing ocean behind me?

Although my plan did not work, because the rocks did not provide a place for my camera to rest on its own at a level plane that was parallel to my face, I still like this accidental photo.

It documents how hard I try ALL OF THE TIME, EVEN ON VACATION IN HAWAII to make my life as beautiful as possible.

I try really, really hard. I think that's probably the best thing to do.